6th July 2008

My diary, by Justin Said, 21.

Monday: I woke up bright and early and went for a swim before work, swimming is remarkably good for you, it uses all kinds of muscles. I have muscles in places that some people don't even have places. I organised detailed tactics for the Banter 5-a-side match - the team which I created to try and improve the distinctly average footballing abilities of my fellow Banter teammates. In the evening I led my team to a wonderful victory, scoring the winner and generally being the only reason we won. I am a manager, coach, mentor and role model to the Banter 5's lads. I don't just change lives at work. When I got home I caught my sister flicking herself off. That was a low point.

Tuesday: I prepared a nice lunch of egg mayonez sandwiches, with just a touch of brown sauce to bring the flavours together and some mince meat on the side. Changed a few lives at work, but hey whats new?! In the evening I went for a little off season training with Golden Lion, I enjoy training with Chincharo and co. as they actually know how to play football and don't constantly pester me to help them improve their games.

Wednesday: Being a big name in the football scene naturally put Banter in the media spotlight, so much so that ITV wanted me to be in one of their latest productions to boost viewer figures. After having my hair and make up professionally done, I put on my pressed and dry cleaned kit and suckled on the mint that had lovingly been placed on top of it for me. Life is good. I stole the show, I think they wanted me to perform on TV regularly for them, but I'm not interested. My schedule is so busy as it is.

Thursday: More 5-a-side. This time Parrot duty in the early evening with Morley, my lethal footballing partner. He's so good! Won yet again to keep our title challenge going strong, 4-3 on the night. Naturally I scored the winner with 2 minutes to go. Then onto Filthy Tigers to enjoy a bucket or 2 with my favourite playas: Chincharo, Fat Micah Richards, FToS and Semi Pro (my personal favourite).

Friday: Another great day at work changing lives and then a nice curry in the evening, I do like a curry on a Friday. No drinking for me tonight, I'm preparing early for my Carshalton season which means strictly no alcohol on a Friday. Did some sit ups and press ups before bed, looking this buff comes at a cost.

Saturday: Went for a nice manicure and pedicure, plus had a facial from Cling (I love a good facial). In the evening I went for a romantic candlelit dinner with Sarah x x. I think I love her again. I hope she feels the same. I hope my tiny penis hasn't put her off me again.

Sunday: Went for a nice run in the morning, it helps keep my cardiovascular fitness levels up. Then went rabbit hunting in my garden with Daddy. It didn't take long before we found them hiding in the hutch. Picked out some fluffy white ones, which we promptly killed, skinned and cooked as a sacrafice for the Said family. Later on I watched the Euro 2008 final. A tournament named in honour of me, I'm pretty sure. I saw that Fabregas, he's dreamy. I like how he performed cameos throughout the tournament, coming on with 30 minutes to go. I might do this for Banter next season... I'd get to save my energy, get up later and still score the winner and take all the plaudits.

Euro's Top Tips:

- Don't take steroids, they're bad for you and can also lead to 'roid rage'.

- Watch the Banter FC DVD and in particular look out for me, you'll learn a thing or two.

- Always have a nutricious breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day.

- When introducing people to Parin, always make them aware that he fists himself, it's only fair.

- Pasty is a woman snatcher. That's not a tip, I just want to remind myself for when I'm next out with Sarah x x.

18th May 2008

Right here are all the numbers that counted to Banter's season. Enjoy.

0          Clean sheets kept this season.

Also the number of bookings and red cards throughout the entire squad. One might argue that Banter are ‘fairly shit’.

1          The number of players who have played in every single competitive Banter match. Euro, since you ask.

2          Occasions when Adkins made the starting line-up.

2-3        The amount of goals Euro claimed he could “easily score” - per game - in the Croydon League. He managed this on 4 occasions from 22 attempts.

3          The number of times Banter have played - and beaten - Croydon Corporation. The only team we hold a 100% record over.

Also the number of deliberate handball’s by Baird.

4          Players making over 20 competitive appearances: Euro, Wuker, Rod, Baird.

            Also the number of goal contributions for the opposition from Boma: 2 penalties conceded & 2 own goals scored.

6          The number of players to wear the captain’s armband: Cling, Rod, Wuker, Doc, L.Dancer, Tino.

            Also the number of occasions Banter have had a full squad, resulting in 1 loss over 90 minutes (to Sovereign, when ironically we ended up with 9 players on the pitch to injury!).

7          Occasions when Banter have scored 4 or more goals in a game. Losing once.

8          Games won.

Also the number of goals scored by Wommy, Banter having lost just once when he’s hit the net.

9          Players available when Banter faced Warlingham FC in a pre-season friendly. Baird was of course playing for the opposition (because he hadn’t joined us yet, not because he was just being cheap).

            Also the amount of goals smashed in past Milburn Reserves one February morning.

10         Players who picked up an injury that prevented them from starting a game this season. Otherwise known as: ‘Members of the Edd Adkins fan club’.

11         The number of goals from top goal scorer, Euro.

12         Penalties awarded to Banter this season. 50% were scored. 25% were missed by Euro.

13         The number of times, on average, Hore would see Samantha Buchanan the night before a game. Trish Quela was never invited.

14         Dean Yeoman’s shirt number. Even he’d forgotten that.

15         Different goalscorers. In order: Cling, Adkins, Lawsy, Wommy, Baird, Hore, Euro, Shannon, Doc, Gill, L.Dancer, Rodber, Tino, Morley, Bushy.

            Also the number of assists attributed to Euro. 8 more than his closest rival, Cling, in second place.

16         The amount of times Banter allowed the opposition to score first in a game. 11 times from 13 games before Christmas, 5 times in 9 games after.

17         A shirt number worn by 4 players: Dog, Baird, Bitmead and Morley. A lucky shirt? Played 10, won 6 and scored 7 goals.

18         years and 70 days. The age of Banter’s youngest ever player. That’s David Baird when he played in September 2007.

19         Different occasions when Pasty has forgotten something he shouldn’t have: boots, shin-pads, socks, money, his legs, his brain, his car before losing his brown wings…

20         Goals scored against teams called Milburn (16 vs. Reserves, 4 vs. 1^st team).

21         The weight, in stone, of a 5 foot 1 right-back we all know. No, not Village…

22         Competitive games played.

23         Probably the number of different knife threats from Golden Shower Reserves. All carried out, of course.

24         Different players used in competitive fixtures.

30         years and 216 days. The age of Banter’s oldest ever player. That’s Rick Bennett when he played in October 2007.

50         A fraction favoured by banterfc.co.uk columnist Edd ‘Lemar’ Adkins.

54         Competitive goals scored.

68         Competitive goals conceded.

71         The time, in seconds, it took for Shannon to score against Eagle Royale in November. Banter’s fastest ever goal.

93         The time, in minutes, Doc slammed in the equaliser against Milburn Reserves.

99         Problems that Boma has on a football pitch. Thankfully, the bitch aint one.

120       The amount of minutes it took to decide ties against Esher and Golden Lion II. Despite arguably being the better side in each, Banter lost both.

1867     Visits banterfc.co.uk had in December.

2005     Minutes played by Euro.

4052     Visits banterfc.co.uk have had in total since June 2007. We’re popular. So there.

8th March 2008

5 GREAT MOMENTS TO TAKE INTO THE LEAGUE CUP SEMI-FINAL

The season so far remembered…

5… Hore curls in a second

Banter travelled to Esher for a 2^nd round Surrey cup game with local side Esher Athletic. It started so well, with Euro putting the blues 1-0 up with a lob over the goalkeeper from Rod Fintan’s pass. Soon after the ball found it’s way to Hore 25 yards from goal, who shrugged off his marker and curled in a wonderful left foot shot into the bottom corner. With the boys cruising, that was as good as it got and a 3^rd round meeting with Croydon rivals Milburn Reserves was not to be. Esher grabbed 2 goals from throw-ins before the break and won the game 4-2 in extra time.

4… Wommy finishes for Banter’s first win

It was September and the second game of the season against Sanderstead Spitfires. Banter had gone 1-0 down only for Ben Law to reply before half time. When the blues went 2-1 down it was time to reply again, Wommy’s first made it 2-2 but the lad wasn’t finished. A through ball from Euro sent Gunn sailing through on goal with only the keeper to beat, he coolly slotted his shot into the bottom left corner and wheeled away as Banter looked set for victory. Euro’s penalty miss didn’t deter Banter, with Baird adding a 4^th near the end for Banter to go out 4-2 winners over their soon to be Semi-final opponents.

3… Ben Doc scores the 10^th

Not his 10^th, or Banter’s 10^th obviously, but the 10^th of the game. On a November morning against Milburn Reserves, the weather may have been cold but the contest was heated, with plenty of action. Wommy and Euro put Banter into a 2-1 lead from being a goal down but before half time the yellow and greens scored 3 more to make it 2-4. Shannon added a couple to make it 4-4 but a terrible fumble from Wuker gifted Milburn a 5^th. With Banter losing and seconds remaining on the clock, the blues threw the kitchen sink and the upstairs shower at the opposition, a Euro corner made its way into the penalty area for Ben Doc to thunder the ball into the top corner. Euphoria followed as the boys in blue got a deserved point in a thrilling encounter.

2… Wommy grabs the equaliser

It’s February and the winner between Banter & Croydon goes through to the Semi-finals. Momentum kept swinging each teams way as Croydon went 1 up and Banter got 2 to gain the lead via a couple of Tino penalties. But when Banter went down to 10 men through Cling’s injury, it looked to be all over based on what followed. Now being over-run, Croydon got an equaliser from a Boma own goal and a penalty put them 3-2 up after Tino handled in the area. But an instant reply saw Euro pull a pass back to Morley on the penalty spot, who in turn found Wommy to flick the ball over the defender’s shoulder and volley in the all important equaliser. Morley added a 4^th before the end to make absolutely certain and Banter were on their way to the Semi’s.

1… Cloud nine

When Banter came up against Milburn Reserves in February, they expected to get a win. But given they’d never beaten them before, there was no guarantee. 90 minutes later and the score read: Milburn 1, Banter 9. It was an unbelievable result, with fantastic goals from all over the place, including 4 from Morley on his Banter debut. His first time volley from Euro’s corner was brilliant, his diving header from the same provider to make it 8-1 was even better, but the pick of the bunch was Jonny Gill’s 25 yard+ plus volley into the right hand corner, which was the team’s 5^th on the day. An amazing result and biggest in the club’s short history so far.

Can these moments be emulated in a Semi-final? A huge ask, but there’s plenty more moments from this season which didn’t even make this list and hopefully more to come. We need composure, we need huge work rate and we need to take our chances.

What was your favourite moment this season?